From the Journal .  .  .  . August 2017

We went on the Willamette River with Christopher.  It was so fun but later, the blood pressure went berserk, and I started the mega anxiety. I had such heart racings and palpitations. At one point my blood pressure was 217/104.  I talked to the consulting nurse a few times and went back on the water pills.

Lord, maybe anxiety is the thorn in my flesh like Paul referred to in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

It’s not a biggy, but it is a drag and I hate it.  I call on You, Lord, and I hear You say, “My grace is sufficient for you.”  I’m grateful that it is temporary.   

 Lord, I just don’t really know what I will do with retirement. 

I am thankful not to have to go back to a classroom.  Lord, I am also thankful for all the years I was able to teach and absolutely love it.

I don’t want to be lazy or unproductive, but at this point I’d have to muster up much courage to sub or even just to help.  God, please give me direction. 

And I Believe God Said:

Volunteering would be good for you, the children, and the teacher you help.  Wait before committing to subbing.  You don’t have to.  Wait and see.   Trust me to make it clear.  It isn’t urgent.  Don’t forget about the mission project and the house.

Lord, what about church work?

Relax.  Don’t commit.  I want you to resume your work on the mission project work and the house project. 

People are always important, as are your family relationships and friendships.  Let yourself read too:  your mom’s journals, your journals, Gilbert Morris, and inspirational books.  I want you to unwind.  Let Me into everything you do.  Go outside every day to see Me in nature.  Your runs and prayers are good.  Don’t give up.  It is a faith walk.  Organize past staffs and classrooms you have had so you can pray.   Don’t doubt the validity of your prayers for them.  It’s not urgent, but it is important.  I can bring people to your mind. 

Lord, how good You are.  I feel so much better.  How Great is My God!  I love You, too.

I love you more!

I know, Lord.  You have never-ending capacity.

This isn’t a new concept and I’ve probably mentioned it before.

I think my greatest challenge with anxiety has been shame.  I know that God is in control, and He takes care of me.  So, if I have anxiety, it must be a lack of faith on my part.  Because this conclusion is unacceptable to me, in self-defense, my shame turns into denial.   I say to myself, “I don’t really have anxiety.  It’s something physical.  Thyroid imbalance?  Hunger?  Side effect to a medication?  Too much caffeine?  Too much sugar?”  . . . and on I go.  I have spent too much time trying to rationalize anxiety when it might be better to just admit when I have it.

I looked up the definition of anxiety.

Anxiety:  “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome”

I think that is pretty much right on.  Anxious about uncertain outcomes!’  When I read back on my times of anxiety, I can understand what I was anxious about.  It seems obvious later.  The best course is to admit it and continue to pray, trusting God. He is always faithful!

1Peter 5:6-7 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, ⁷ casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.