I remember having a time of anxiety when I was a little girl.  I was in kindergarten and had accidentally kicked my best friend in the face while playing on the monkey bars.  I was sure I was going to be in big trouble, so I lied about who I was.  I felt so sick during nap time that afternoon because my mom had always stressed the importance of telling the truth.

Twenty years later when I became a believer in Jesus, I naively thought anxiety wouldn’t ever be an issue.  All we have to do is trust Jesus to take care of everything.   When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1988, I thought I would just be a testimony of peace and courage.  Nope. I was anxious and disappointed in myself.  God used that season to teach me more about Himself and I am very thankful for the lessons I learned and am still learning.  

I know that I am not alone in having times of anxiety. I had intended to post anxiety entries more often, (I have many of them) but it’s been a while, so please bear with me as I go back to that time.

From the journal . . . . August 1988

Lord, You are an awesome God.  I am weak.  I thought I was strong but I’m not.  Thank You again that the chemotherapy* wasn’t hard at all.  I believe You are bringing healing to me.  Thank You, Lord.  Be glorified.  You say to ask and to believe I have received. 

Mark 11:24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.

Because of Your Word, I believe I have peace, but still my body is at unrest.  I’m torn between continuing to ask (like the guy that bangs on the door at midnight asking for bread Luke 11: 5-13)

Luke 11:9-13 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

or accepting the thing (anxiety).  You are in control of my life.  You are stronger than the enemy.  Your truth is greater than his lies.  So… this is not fear, but a sickness in my body??  Please heal the sickness, Lord.

And I Believe God Said:

It is not fear that produces that feeling, * but fear magnifies it.  Reject the fear.  Don’t believe it.  All is well.  I’m in control.

1 John 4:18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.

*The chemotherapy that I had made me feel tired and weird. Like something just wasn’t right.

Two days later: September 1988

God, it’s almost 1:00 in the morning and I can’t sleep.  Don’t You hear me?  I ask You for peace, but I can’t receive it. I don’t have pain, but my stomach churns and churns.  I love You.  You are my Lord.  You tell me that You are in control.  Okay.  Then let this be used for Your purposes.  I’m covered by Your blood, so how could satan be involved?  I am not going to have a nervous breakdown. That’s satan’s talk.  No curse can be put on me because I’m Yours.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Prov. 26:2 Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse will not land on its intended victim.

Oh Lord – I guess I’m just being so shaken.  Cancer, I think, I accept.  But this mind and emotion stuff is the pits.  Okay.  It scares me that I’ll have this unrest stuff for too long.  Lord, You said to tell You if it’s too hard. It is.

And I Believe God Said:

Rest in My arms.

Psalm 50:15. Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you,
    and you will give me glory.”
Matt 11:28. ²⁸ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

It was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, but He saw me through.  I watched a TV show the other night and a guy was trying to help another guy that was suicidal.  He said, “I’ve heard that if you feel like you are going through Hell, you should just keep going.”   And as we know Jesus, we know He will pull us through.