This was written in my first year of teaching full time and I was discouraged and so overwhelmed.  The circumstance doesn’t matter because I believe every one of us has felt this.   David in the Bible certainly did.

Psalm 42:5 Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

My journals are filled with pages like this because Jesus is the One I go to for help.  In this case He revealed something to me about myself that I hadn’t really recognized before.  There is no comfort like Him and I am addicted!  My prayer is that you may also be helped by His comfort.

From the journal . . . . October 1998

Lord, I cannot give up these times with You.  I feel so behind on things, and there’s a voice saying that I could use this time better.  I will not heed that lying voice.  If I don’t have time with You, my life is worth nothing.  I would never be satisfied because You have given me a heart to know You. 

Jeremiah 24:7  I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the Lord; and they will be My people, and I will be their God, for they will return to Me with their whole heart.

I’m running this race and I’m not gonna quit because I need You desperately. However, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and make everyone leave me alone.  There are times when the world is way too much and yet, You are always there.  You are here to take me through everything.  I long to hear You say, “Well done,” but Lord, even more, quite honestly, I just want You.  I want to always be with You, to always see Your ways and Your works.  Jesus, when I’m feeling weak it isn’t so important to me that I’ve done well (that would be noble) but at those times, I just need to know You love me and that You won’t leave me.  You know my heart and now my tears flow like rivers.  

I hadn’t realized how much I need someone wonderful to love me unconditionally.  To baby me and not turn away when I blow it.  I guess I thought if I didn’t do well, I wouldn’t be loved.  That’s why I want to do well.  Is that right, Lord?  Is that really why?

And I Believe God Said:

You want love and respect, but you believe you must earn both.  You want both but you need the love.  I am the perfect match for you because I love unconditionally.  Daughter, I will always love you.  If you turn from Me, I will still love you.  If you sin terribly, I will still love and want you.

Rom 5:8. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 8:38-39 ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

But I can’t let sin go unchecked.  Sin can’t be made or changed to be ‘not sin.’  I gave Jesus the man so sin could be identified and atoned for.   You don’t need to not sin for Me to love and want you.  I love and want each person, but truth must be revealed.  Sin can’t be changed but I have made a way for sinners to come to Me.  I can’t abide sin, but I love sinners. So, I gave the ransom.  I paid the price for sinners.  I didn’t give My only son for good people.  I gave Him away for the sinner. 

Romans 3:23-25  for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; ²⁵ whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in His blood through faith. This was to demonstrate His righteousness, because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed;

Isaiah 1 :18 “Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the Lord,
“Though your sins are as scarlet,
They will be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They will be like wool.

Matthew 9:13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

You understand this in part, but there is so much that you can’t comprehend.

Daughter, it brings me pleasure when you realize My love for you, but My love isn’t selfish.  I want to be with you even if there is no pleasure for Me.  That’s hard to understand because you are selfish.  You don’t like to be around people when they don’t give you pleasure, so you want to run away. I won’t run from you.

Lord, You are faithful and true.  Your ways are always higher than my ways and of course there are many things I don’t understand.  I don’t need to though because Your perfect grace and mercy are enough.