Mark and I both grew up in dysfunctional families. Neither of us had good examples of how to be married. What we knew as normal, was not. So, it isn’t surprising that we started out very dysfunctional. Mark started drinking as a teen, became an alcoholic, and struggled with it for many years. With my background I became co-dependent, which also, is not surprising. After four years, we separated for the second time. But by God’s grace, we became believers, and our marriage was saved, though the struggle continued for decades.

From the journal . . . August 2005

Lord, I am trying not to be a martyr, but I also don’t want to “demand” my rights. I’m torn because to live as if I have no rights is sort of like a martyr.

“My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me” (Gal. 2:20).

I try to live for You and be unselfish, yet those who warn against co-dependency would say that behavior enables an alcoholic. I don’t want to “enable” Mark, nor live a lie. It’s hard Lord, and makes me long for Heaven.

Hmm … Mark just called and apologized for being grumpy. He doesn’t realize how much it helps me to hear he is sorry. We got talking about how people (sales or service people) aren’t very willing to help unless you get persistent and demanding. It does seem to be a trend. You have to be “squeaky” to get the grease. Lord, what do you say? How is this supposed to work?

And The Lord said to me:

Value people. You can get the reasonable demands you have, without de-valuing anyone. Think about why you want something. Think about the obstacles and then respectfully pursue what you want. For example, say, “This is what I want, this is when I want it, and this is why.” Do this with respect and consideration. Remember those you are doing it for. At school, you can be more assertive. Consider what is important. Pursue that and don’t be a martyr for the wrong cause. I will give you favor among people. You, seek My approval. If something is important for your calling as a wife, mom, teacher, or friend, then pursue it and don’t shrink back.

But My righteous one shall live by faith;
And if he shrinks back, My soul has no pleasure in him.³⁹ But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul (Hebrews 10:38-39).

Lord, I’m afraid of being selfish. If I do this – isn’t it looking out for my own interests?

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Phil 2:4).

Be sure your “interests” are Mine. Consider others; but your husband, your students, and interests that I have given you, are also the priorities I have given you.

Thank You, Lord. Thank You for Your truth! Show me how to apply it. I love You.